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"I, Visionary" Sunday, 16-Apr-2000 11:41:49
Well, it has been around six weeks since I officially resigned my post as chairman of the Lair Legion, and yet I still sit here in this office (Not that I don't occasionally leave, mind you… The bathroom's down the hall, and I still go home to my condo to sleep… and then there was this afternoon when Yo and I went out to Rupert's Coney Island for hot-dogs and chili fries. Afterwards, in fact, I had to make a few extra trips down the hall… but perhaps I'm digressing a bit too far.) What I mean to say is that no one is apparently listening to me anymore. Admittedly, that was kind of the point of resigning… but I had hoped that they wouldn't start ignoring me until after they read my resignation. I think I can trace my mistake to trying to give the team a certain amount of notice that I was quitting. The idea was that, given advanced warning, they could simply elect someone else to do this job, and it might also give them time to plan a party or buy a nice watch for my going away present. I like watches. In any event, things didn't quite work out the way I had planned. Thankfully, I had taken the precaution of having my office wired to record all conversations that take place here for archival purposes. Lisa strongly advised against this, saying it didn't do any good for Tricky Dick, but I retorted that I was quite sure it was a necessity, and that I really didn't care to hear about any of her conquests' sexual dysfunctions anyway. In truth, I had the tape recorder installed after coming to the conclusion that I was apparently promising Troia an inordinate number of vacation days in conversations of which I only had the sketchiest memories. It seems that at some point, she had seen through my strategy for dealing with scheduling meetings by simply nodding constantly, and then later asking her "So… what's next?" every time I finished something. Unfortunately, since having the office tapped, she has learned to stop sneaking in requests for free time, and I've had to actually start paying attention… so it's been something of a mixed blessing. (However, it did have the added bonus of alerting me to the consequences of leaving SPUD director Drury and CSFB's Mom together in here, unsupervised, for more than fifteen minutes… and gave me the heads-up to have the filing cabinet and desk-top sanitized.) My point is simply that all of this has allowed me to give you a word-for-word account of how my farewell kind of fell apart: _____ Troia: "… and I also circulated an e-mail outlining the penalties for abusing the copy machine." Lisa: (chuckles) "Was spiffy photocopying his face for his "impeach me" campaign pamphlets again?" Troia: "Worse." (Sound of paper being handed from person to person.) Me: "Gah!!! …I didn't realize you meant they were literally abusing it… You'd think that glass would have been rather cold…" Lisa: "Well, that would be the most charitable explanation for the photographic evidence…" Me: "Um… I don't suppose you recognize…?" Troia: "………... Just what are you implying about my social life?" Me: "Er… um… nothing. I suppose the e-mail was the best way to handle it without knowing. Oh, and someone should tell spiffy that he probably doesn't want to put his face there any more." Lisa: "I've already volunteered to free up some of my valuable time to conduct a thorough line-up identification. Did you want to be present?" Me: "Um… Actually, I think that tomorrow morning would be perfect for that kind of thing." Troia: "Gotcha. Do you want to do it before or after your morning donut? I remind you that you usually eat those dunking stick ones…" Me: "Er… no. Actually, I won't be here tomorrow, remember? Today was my last day." Troia: "I'm afraid that's impossible. You have that 10 am with Mayor Porter, then you have to head uptown for lunch with the Parodiopolis Chamber of Commerce, … and then there was that guy from '60 Minutes' who wanted an interview…" Lisa: "Personally, I need your signature on about a billion legal documents… oh, and your fingerprints on a few key pieces of evidence would really help establish some reasonable doubt in an unrelated matter. You have a strong alibi for the night of February 16th, right?" Me (and despite reports to the contrary, I was not whining): "But… but… I can't do any of that! Didn't you read my letter? I quit!" Lisa: "Well, I suppose you can stand up that Wallace guy. Of course, when their report airs, they'll just show a sinister looking shot of you entering our building in slow motion and say "Mr. Visionary repeatedly refused our requests to speak with him", thereby implying that you're certainly up to no good. The same thing happened to one of my other clients. Don't worry though… should any criminal charges come up, I'm sure the broadcast won't overly taint the jury pool…" Me: "… What??? What criminal charges? I haven't…" Troia: "No, no, no… Tomorrow's not gonna do at all. You really need to give us some kind of advance warning before you just up and leave. It's simple professional courtesy, you know?" Me (still not whining): "But I did! I wrote a letter! Honest!" Lisa: "Well, I think we've done all that we can do today… it's late. We should pick this meeting up in the morning." Me: "But… but…" Troia: "Good idea. Don't worry… I'm sure your last letter just simply got misfiled or something. Why don't you write a new one and give everyone two weeks notice?" Me (admittedly, a bit grumpily): "And how do I know this next one won't get lost as well?" Lisa: "Well, if you're worried about it, make some back ups. I'm sure you're more than welcome to use the copy machine…" _____ So as you can see, I was obviously railroaded into staying an extra two weeks. At the time, I was willing to believe it was a simple bureaucratic error… after all, Troia's filing system is either an unbelievably complex and intricate one, or (rather more likely) one based entirely on random whim. When it dawned on me that they really didn't want me to leave, my first reaction was to be flattered. That passed pretty quickly. I'm now convinced that it's simply because they believe they'd have trouble finding anyone else stupid enough to accept this damn job. Not that I haven't tried to escape as the two weeks stretched beyond a month… When my next retirement day rolled around, I couldn't go because I promised Yo I'd help him find his missing bunny. (He claimed innocence when it finally turned out to be hidden in his laundry hamper. I have trouble believing that it had been in there for the fifteen days it was 'lost'). Then I tried simply not showing up… only to have Lisa use her subpoena power to summon me to the office. (She claimed she was honestly concerned that the Apostate had erased me from existence again… but as long as I was okay and here anyway, maybe I could help her with some paperwork…). So finally, I just gave up and started coming in as usual. As a form of protest, however, I have refrained from doing work of any sort. I'm not sure how to take the fact that nobody seems to mind this in the least. Actually, Troia seems happier than ever since she rarely even needs to do more than say "Good morning" and "Have a good night" to me anymore. She removed my intercom system totally. I suppose as long as there's somebody sitting in this chair, available to take the blame for whatever might possibly go wrong, they're all satisfied. As a result, I've had a great deal more free time for reading. Lisa recommended a book called "I, Claudius" which is about a man named Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus Drusus Nero Germanicus Britannicus or something like that. Something about the story speaks to me… even if I have only one name and he would seem to have upwards of twenty. It's the account of a man who is generally considered to be an idiot by those around him who finds himself thrust into a position of power that he really doesn't want. I suppose I could draw further parallels, seeing as how Claudius succeeded Caligula as Emperor of Rome, and I succeeded Lisa as LL leader… but perhaps I should just quit while I'm ahead. In any event, Claudius wrote his book to show future generations the circumstances of his becoming Emperor and to let people see that everything that resulted really wasn't his fault. While I have no idea what disaster is upcoming for us, I thought I'd best swipe that brilliant idea while I still had the chance. Whatever may happen, I want you (whomever you future readers may be) to know that… without a doubt… I would have rather been fishing or something. Yours, willingly or not, --Visionary ajdiller@worldnet.att.net |
| "I, Visionary" (ajdiller@worldnet.att.net) (16-Apr-2000 11:41:49) |
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